i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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