she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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