she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
