I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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