so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
