I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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