so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
