Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
