I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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