So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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