the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
how does that bad decision feel?
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