Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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