You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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