I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
