My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
