if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize