you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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