Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
