Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I can't put those talents on a resume
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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