the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
