Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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