Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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