I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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