3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Randomize
