I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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