How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize