we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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