I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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