Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
