So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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