I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
