Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
