lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
