Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
