if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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