I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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