Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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