If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
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