Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
