grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Be still, my beating vagina.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
