I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
