I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
