somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
