I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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