I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize