my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
