if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
You're like the curious george of whores
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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