apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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