Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
