how hairy? two words: wookie tits
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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