Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
