I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
