There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
